Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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