Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
