I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
