it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
His nipple licking is glorious
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