The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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