So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
