I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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