Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
