Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
