i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
