So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
