you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
