Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The Olympian is in my bed
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
