I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
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Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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