why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i drank out of a bidet.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.