Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
