party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
