You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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