I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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