What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
