i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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