OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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