Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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