So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
