she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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