Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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