after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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