I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
