What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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