I'm going to rape someone's good day.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
