i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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