My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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