I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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