I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
