I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
