What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
