im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
