you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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