New invention idea: vibrating tampons
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
