I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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