No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
