i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
