found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
