Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
