I bet he comes in French.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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