i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
