I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
