Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
