yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
