Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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