Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
