I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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