i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
