I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
