new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
