dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
