i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
