Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
