Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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