I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
